Looking Back on 2023

December 31, 2023

How is it already December 31st of 2023? I feel like just yesterday I was in Toronto at the pool with the tiny human before ordering room service and getting surf and turf steak and shrimp and then watching JHope on Rockin’ Eve almost crying about not being there. 

Now here it is 1 year later. Already. This year I find myself in Lake George. I’m not sure why I always thought Lake George was so far away. It’s not, it’s close. I’m doing some writing now (obviously) then I’ll head over to the Winter’s Village event before retiring back to my room for room service, writing, reading, and Rockin’ Eve.

Even though December 31, 2022 seems like yesterday this year was packed with many transformative moments. 

In January I was on my first plane in almost 6 years! I was heading down to Podfest with my co-host of The AdopTwins. 2 weeks after that I found myself back at the airport, this time jetting off to San Fran for the weekend. I feel like I didn’t experience all there was to experience in San Fran and so I’m sure I will be back there at some point. The summer was spent with a lot of time around New England but then hit things hard to end the year with Disney and Seoul. My first trip to Asia (since I left) and it was to the last place I lived (before I left). 

Over this year I’ve grown into not just accepting and embracing my Korean heritage, but celebrating it. 

2023 started out with me and the kiddo hitting KTown in Toronto on January 1st. A lot of things were closed, but we did end up getting Korean BBQ for the 1st time. It was delicious!!! The people working there were really nice as well. If you’re wondering, the place is Mapo Korean BBQ. Since then I’ve gone for Korean BBQ at least 8 other times this year. 

The 2nd of those times being with my cohost while in FL for Podfest. We are grateful that we were invited down and had an opportunity to experience the convention. When we went to eat at Volcano there ended up still being a lot of options for my vegan cohost so that we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. 

A week or two before I was flying to San Francisco there was another hate crime against the Asian Community in the northern CA area. I was scared but I found solace spending my time in Chinatown and the Japanese Tea Gardens. I no longer felt like I didn’t fit in among Asian people. They may still give me looks when they realize I don’t understand what they said, but I’m more comfortable in myself now. I’ve accepted that it isn’t my fault that I no longer know my 1st language but I am doing what I can to get it back. Also, while visiting one of the many bakeries on my list I ended up in another Asian neighborhood and as I was heading into the bakery I noticed the palace next door. The sign was written in Hangul. I sounded it out the same way my child does with his English letters (1st grade) and read it! I said it over and over and then realized I even knew what it meant! It may be small, but it meant so much to me at that point. 

Once spring came I ended up last minute getting face value VIP floor tickets for the Agust D show on the first night of his tour. I had certainly become a BTS fan by that point, but that concert turned me into ARMY and I think I always will be. And Min YunKi will always be my #1 bias. I didn’t know a lot of his solo music going into the concert, though I had been streaming it to get ready for the 5 days before the concert. But the kiddo ended up liking more than the one song he had liked for quite some time now (Deschwita) and for over a month wanted nothing but Agust D every time he was in the car. Min YunKi’s lyrics break my heart and soul open. I connect on a different level with his lyrics than I do with others. It’s not simple just liking the music, it moves me in ways I cannot describe. If you are unfamiliar with him at this point, do yourself a favor and check him out, and if you don’t know Korean or you don’t like rap/hip hop read through some of his lyrics translated into your language. I’d like to know how they hit you. 

Summer arrived and the kiddo went to his first out of state camp, and it was a Korean camp over in the Albany area of New York. Then just days after his 6th birthday we were VIP thanks to a friend and a chain of people he knew at Jungkook’s GMA concert in Central Park. JK is my kiddos favorite at this point and it might make sense since he was the 1st one he saw in person. There’s just something about connecting at a live show with other fans and the artist that no matter the music hits differently than listening to it in your car. 

The fall semester of 한글 학교 brought in a lot of new students and they were all BTS fans! They’re older than I am, but that doesn’t matter, ARMY finds ARMY and sticks together. A lot of us went to the Eric Nam show in New Haven. I knew some of Eric’s music but not a lot. I saw him on some TV shows, but otherwise all I really knew was that he was really good friends with Min YunKi. So I went. And he was GOOD. And he was nice to look at. And I really liked his music. It was a great night that led to me meeting him after the show. I mean this is me, if you’ve known me personally for any time past my late teens you know that that shouldn’t be a surprise. At least not at a smaller venue like college street. USB Arena… different story, hence why I’m not currently married to MinYunKi. 

Just about right after the Eric Nam show happened I came across an opportunity to possibly go to Seoul. Dates juuuuuust lined up between the Disney trip and the kiddo’s ballet so I wrote my essays and gave it a try. 

Then on Nov 1st the first day of National Adoptee Awareness month I got the call. I was going!!!!! I couldn’t believe it and I just began to cry. I had to start figuring things out. I’d be there in 40 days!!!! But before I could go, I also had the Rain concert down in Atlantic City. Going from my 1st Kmusic show with Agust D earlier in the year to now my 3rd! I wasn’t too familiar with Rain’s music, I knew him from The Hungry & The Hairy. His music is a bit dated as he hasn’t realized a ton of new music (HEY everyone’s old music is dated, Madonna in the 80’s the 90s? Dated, Britney, Backstreet Boys, Elton John? Dated. Dated. Dated. There’s a particular sound of music that all comes out around the same time so even if you’re unfamiliar with a song you can most likely figure out when it was relaxed by the sound.) Rain himself was looking goooooooooooooooooood. Wow that is all I will say here about that!

Then mere days later it was off to Disney for a week with the kid. He had his first flight and he did well! His ears hurt a bit but on the way back I had him chew gum and it seemed to really help him out. We flew Delta Comfort+ there and back and he just wanted tv and movies on the tablet or the provided screen and ate some snacks and had no complaints. I will say Disney was not as awful as I thought it was going to be. It was crowded but not as crowded as I thought and it was expensive but I didn’t have to buy as much stuff as I thought and there were lines but using Genie everywhere was a lifesaver. 

When we woke on our final morning we took a Lyft back to the airport and flew back to JFK. I met his father’s GF and Mother at the airport and they drove my son back to CT while I turned around and went back through security to begin making my way to Seoul. 

As I was there in Seoul I was happy I was excited and I was disappointed that I didn’t get to do all that much. How each passing day I am away from Seoul I find myself yearning for it. The food, the people, the cafes, the metro, everything. I wish I could move there. The language barrier wasn’t even much of a problem. I’m sure leaving Seoul would be but on my last day there I went to lunch with 2 friends and the people at the restaurant did nothing but speak to me in Korean and I spoke to them in Korean with the limited amount I had. I don’t know if they knew I didn’t speak much or what, but they never switched to English and we always understood each other. That made me feel like I belonged. I often talk about how I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, but in that moment I felt that I was home. 

The program that brought me over was the government agency, the Overseas Korean Agency and I was there with 70 other Korean adoptees who were adopted internationally to many different countries, the US, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, and more. We couldn’t always understand each other but we had a shared connection, a shared bond. Quite a few of us had never been back to Korea since we left and it feels very special to have had the opportunity to go back under such circumstances. 

I made the decision to change my name. I haven’t legally changed it yet. The only thing holding me back is hoping maybe I will learn what my name was at birth. Then I’d decide what I’d want to do about a name change. I looked up and read tons of Korean names and had chosen two Yoona and Binna. I decided on Binna and I’ve shortened Yoona to Yoon and use it as my last name. Which in Korean would be said Yoon Binna. Yoona means Light of God which i think is a beautiful meaning and Binna means to shine. As beautiful as Light of God is I thought to shine would be a better fit for me. Cause I am like a phoenix rising from the ashes or the Korean lotus flower finding its way through the mud to bloom beautifully, I am meant to shine. And I don’t mean that in a conceited way, we all are meant to shine and sometimes things happen in life that try to tarnish or extinguish our shine, but we must find a way to fight through it and shine against all adversity. 

I’ve been home for 16 days now. And as I look at everything I wrote about for 2023 I realize that December 31 2022 was long ago. I feel like I am a completely different person in 2023 than I was entering.