Gwangju. My home. I haven’t seen you since 85. I didn’t feel as many emotions there as I had expected to. But our time was brief and I didn’t hit a lot of the spots I probably should have. But that will be reserved for the next trip. The kiddo said he didn’t want to go to the market where I was found. He said it would be too sad.
On my next trip back, I will thoroughly explore the market. I want to see if I can uncover any clues. I found one new piece of information on this trip (back in Seoul). Though I was abandoned at the market, it was actually indoors. I was not found on the street. So hope to explore that more.
But the 80’s were long ago. I feel I am running out of time. I wish my adoptive parents helped me on this journey 20 years ago. But back then my adoptive father lost his job of 30 years and my adoptive mother got cancer. So other things were going on. I get that, but I don’t even think I knew any of this was a choice. And that is something I will struggle with for a long time.
Gwangju is a place of food, the arts, and fighting for democracy. All things I love. I now know it was born in my blood.
It’s hard to reconcile not fighting for my freedoms right now. I know they want to instill fear in us. But I can’t risk losing my citizenship. I can’t be deported away from my child, the only family I know. And without my US citizenship and without my Korean citizenship where would that leave me? And if I were to be deported would it even be to Korea? Or would I end up in some camp or prison in some other unknown country? I’m having a hard time with this all. I look ahead to my dual citizenship one day and hope things stay on the up and up until then. I look toward another trip back home. I don’t think I’d move to Gwangju if I moved back to Korea though. I think I’d end up in Seoul… at least to start.
On this trip the kiddo tried street food for the first time and wanted it every night after. We had a small “pool” in our hotel room, specifically in the kiddo’s room. We kept the trip mostly light with visits to museums and KPop/JHope-related stuff.
But democracy square was a couple of blocks away so we did go there and I cried. I thought of all those people. They gave their lives for the betterment of Korea. They were then tossed in mass graves. Their families never saw them again. That’s heavy. But I thank them for their sacrifice because what more can I do? Were my parents among the students who rebelled? Maybe one day I’ll have an answer to that. I hope to tackle many more of my questions that have created a hole in my soul.
The kiddo loved two things on the entire trip to Korea. First was going to Penguin Village. The second was having the penguin bread at Penguin Village. ❤
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Weekend Warrior Mama 
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